Let’s Quit Smoking
L and I had a discussion today after playdate that is best to remember. His peeps are saying no way, not good about K except for me who appreciates what might be there but then again I’m a know nothing romantic but I told him what I know about living – sometimes your peeps give good advice and sometimes they don’t. When S and I met 15 years ago his roommate S told him this is not good, don’t do it, but S was jealous because he was older and had just two weeks before informed S that he would find a woman first and he was also looking at the circumstance instead of the whole picture and conventionally it was not stacking up.
At the same time, my peeps were like are you out of your mind, you are on #2 and only into it 5 months and what? But I couldn’t help remembering when I met G I felt it wasn’t something something but I was swept away with the threesome of G, N and I and it really hit me when we are off to Spain alone and I sat next to the guy named Dwayne and I was married to G that I realized I was a fool in the middle of a bad rhyme. But weeks before I had been at the Milan with the Trout and C and said I don’t think G has the depth to love me like I want to be loved and they were both like, oh you are so wrong. Uh, no I wasn’t.
S always tells me that I pay too much attention to my network and I say, hey, go get a network and then you can criticize.
Last week J said I’ve never seen it like this but I have and he has and isn’t that the glory of the years when you can say, huh, been there, done that, kind of know what to expect or at least no need for panic. Yet.
I made a bet with N that I would not smoke for the first six months of living in NO. Lost it. I made a pact with S that I would stop and have been dallying. My body rejects cigs and yet I want a puff here and there — always with a cocktail. K said to L before they hung up, “Baby, let’s quit smoking,” – wish he would, he’s kind of the last vestige that keeps me dallying.
I woke up before all of this to a worry about N and S and their gig together. N just lept out of a 12 year gig and is ready to scale the mountain, Steve just came down from the mountain and he wants a scaled down version of the mountain. In one sense they need each other, S has work and needs help, and N needs money to get out, but worried they both can’t articulate what they actually want from each other right now other than help, and bothered that old behaviour – S not considering others needs and N wanting to roar – might hurt a long term friendship until they both understand what it is they truly want or could give each other. Seems to me and what I said to S is what’s important is the architectural compatibility not the how do we work details. Know they will figure out their lives by themselves but where my worry comes in is S and I have experienced a closeness with the M’s – awful close to what we had with the H’s a few years back and that did not end well when T and S were at odds over what they each needed, wanted, etc from work. We’ve circled back and our friendship is stronger with the H’s but not without the scars.
My muse visited this morning and told me it’s all a turkey shoot. But I didn’t write about that.
The kind of closeness K craves in L is what I linger on – untenable closeness – not even smoke between them.