Here’s what no one told me, having a child was going to turn me inside out, expose the soft parts, the scars, the missing connectors, the entrenched and mystifying behaviors, and force me into the most uncomfortable growth of my life. No one said this. I thought I was raising a child, instead I was learning to parent myself.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with my son where I had to tell him why I act the way I do. I fly to Arizona once a month and visit him. Because sometimes we misfire on how the visit is supposed to go, we have been making this deal – you have a day, and I have a day, to do what we want, and the other person has to go along with it.
What happens on my day is I bend to his will. I make sure he wants to go to the restaurant I have chosen for my day and change it to the restaurant he wants to go to. I don’t see the movie that was on my list because he is not in the mood for that movie. I don’t take the hike that I wanted because he is too tired to walk. On and on it goes this way.
I told him this time I am going to pick a restaurant on my day where I want to eat and if he doesn’t like the food, he doesn’t have to eat, but I will. I said I am going to pick a movie I want to see. I explained to him that I am a people pleaser, and I learned this because when I was very young and my mother was drinking and my father was raging, I just wanted everyone to calm down. I just wanted to feel safe. And to feel safe I tried to make sure everyone was getting what they needed. Only, other people’s needs become a giant maw that never really gets filled. While my needs get subsumed under my effort.
I explained to him about my work that I have been doing in therapy, in ACA, and in life, which is to speak to the small, scared child who lives in me, is me, and wants to feel safe: I say to her, I’ve got your back. I can ask for what I need and want, and deserve to get it. So that when it’s my day – my day to choose what I want to do – if I start bending towards what you want to do and away from what I want to do – to be aware of what I am doing. To understand where this came from in my history, and how I’m working to overcome it.
My son and I have had so much therapy! He is trying to overcome his childhood trauma, the deep, dark well of adoption, his own need to feel safe and deserving. I’m trying to overcome my childhood trauma, my grand desire to feel safe and deserving. We are out here wilding, growing, stretching and it is so much sometimes, I wonder how and why people choose to parent, which makes them have to parent themselves, which makes life uncomfortable and far from the Norman Rockwell depiction of what it means to be a family.
Like any mom, I’m hoping all of our discomfort leads to my child not having to wait till he is 66 years old to feel safe and deserving. As for me, I reckon better now than never.
[Thank you for reading my blog; I love hearing from you; I’d appreciate your responding
here rather than on social media because then I can revisit your comments.]
I remember when I told my father I was pregnant with my first daughter, he said,”welcome to the world of worry and the never ending need to be alert!” He said it with a smile, but it was the truth. My mother, on the other hand said, “no worries, your only responsibility is to raise a good citizen.” Both parents were spot on- and both statements always come to the surface as my daughters and I walk through our lives, whether together or separately. It’s not supposed to be easy- just as life is not. The design is to teach. That’s all it is- Walk, trip, fall, get up, learn, walk, teach. Take care and all my best to you and Tin.
I’ve noticed with my friends that some kids raise themselves, some raise their parents, some kids need a village. My child has needed more than me and that was a big learning curve – because I’m ffall back on oh no! I’m not good enough! now at least I can say I am a good enough parent, AND I have needed help to raise my son – and I have relied on experts when I should have relied on my own expertise who have failed us miserably, and I have people who were experts in supporting both Tin and me, who have been extraordinary in their love and I consider miracles in our life.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for always sharing your beautiful life! So inspiring.
Children are not clay to be molded but books to be unfolded. Also, parents aren’t done growing and learning until they’re dead.
I could have summed it up that way.
Once I became a mom I felt fully alive. Like I had only used a small fraction of myself before motherhood. There was this whole other range of emotions available to experience; the highs were much higher but, omg, the lows were much lower too. As the responsibility grew, so did the guilt. Parenting is HARD. Teenagers can be so snarky. It gets better as they mature through their twenties. Suddenly they see you in a different light. Hang in there.
I like this perspective – you were only using a portion of yourself and then wow – zoom – bang – you’re asked to use all these resources you didn’t even know you possessed! I need to stay healthy so I can get to that point where I can sit back and say wow!
Yes parenting is a life long experience. Joyous and painful many times. None of us are perfect so it’s tough to parent. Praying for the best is helpful but it’s simply darn hard. Kids can be loving and hurtful as well. You stay the course and know you are loved
Thanks for sharing.
I wish they gave parenting classes. I wish they gave all sorts of classes rather than Algebra.
I feel your pain, Rachel. Nothing else compares to the commitment and investments into learning that raising a human being does. I’m still learning, and my son is 48! We had a very rocky road, and there were months that I didn’t hear from him – when he ended up in prison, it was a whole big heartbreak that still makes me cry. I still worry about him but have to accept that he is in charge now, not me. My codependency (which I thought I had under control) still rears it’s ugly head. We evolve and go on. And, it’s good to have friends who support and understand. Keep going.
No one prepares you for the heaviness of parenting. No one. I’m glad you are having brave conversations, modeling boundaries, and claiming your time.
Ever insightful and generous. xo xo
Thanks
Thanks, Karen. YYR
Thank you for being so candid about your challenges, Rachel.
I noticed that having children gave me a stronger incentive to look at my unhealed parts and DO something. This kind of interior work can be gut wrenching. There is no halfway. We do have language for our experiences now and compassion for one another as well as “I’m sorry.”
The courage to show up for Tin in honesty, acknowledging that we are all works in progress is a “get out of emotional jail free card” for both of you. Hell, everyone.
I’ve learned so much from you and from Tin. I’m so grateful to you both. Xox
oooo Diana – that codependency is a bitch – Lord knows I’m dealing with it all the time.
Kat – no doubt, I’d rather be this mother, here exposing all the dark pitted parts so that he can see and watch me heal so that he has a model for how to be – but Lord Today – no one told me there’d be days like this.
Oh – thank you for sharing your incredible family with me – from youngest to oldest – I’m grateful for all y’all.
I loved reading your post today, Rachel. And how honest, direct, and clear these parental sentiments are that you’ve shared. Real parenting is constant, evolving, ongoing, and imperfect. And it seems you’re taking this head on and I, for one, admire and applaud you.
Thank you, Kevin. I know we’ve both had to parent in adverse circumstances so although it is not easy, sometimes it’s harder than it should be!
Brodie’s mom here- from the Ranch. Brought a tear to my eye as I nodded and said “yes!” over and over. Keep up the good work and it’s been a joy watching our boys grow and learn alongside us.
The ranch has been a great experience for Tin, for me, for us. I’m so glad we found it! Thanks Jennifer.