I did a meditation this morning with Artist Morning, and Darius asked this question at the opening. What does my heart want to say? Mine wants to say, I’m here, I’m vulnerable, and I can handle it. Ha!
In the chat, someone said vulnerability is a bridge. Yes, it is a bridge to another human, to the universe, to sorrow and to joy. And it begins with a brave heart. I’d like to think I have one, but oh does my heart need tending to because the true bridge that needs work with me is the one to myself. Lord today!
I’ve not been a relationship with a partner since 2012 – 13 years! I’ve been in relationship with my son. I’ve learned to be in relationship with myself. But I’m still very cruel to myself. I have such judgment about how I look, what I don’t accomplish, what I don’t understand, and so my heart wants to say, today, to me – good grief, couldn’t you just love me for who I am?
I take measures. I say I love you, Rachel to the mirror to remind myself to love myself. This was a habit formed after losing my hair. I cringe when I hear the way I speak to myself as I’m getting dressed. I tell myself I have done all that I could when I feel like I didn’t get through the endless to do lists of my life. I try to remember to breathe when I make a mistake because I’m moving faster than the speed of competency.
I tell myself I’ve done my best. I’ve done what I could. I’ll write about the pillow on my bed that my friend designed from a gravesite which read: She Hath Done What She Could in another post.
The truth is that although I know what to do to counteract the mean girl who sometimes takes control of my thoughts – I wonder how this unkindness took root? I know so many women who believe they are not good enough. Hell, I know a lot of people who believe they are not good enough. And they spend their lives believing it and trying to prove otherwise with limited success.
I’ve wanted to sing my whole life – and I cannot. That feels sometimes like a failure. Well, I can sing – but I should not. I admire visual artists so much so that I have a beautiful collection of art that surrounds me. I walked into Studio Waveland, a treasure of a gallery that had a beautiful exhibit and saw this painting on the wall and was starstruck.
I saw my son in Arizona learning how to be a man in this painting, and it made me cry. It also gave me joy. What does my heart want to say to Tin? There wasn’t anything left I could do for you but to set you free on your own path. When I think of the kindness and the loving heart that I offer Tin, I bristle to think I am still learning to offer it to myself.
What does my heart want to say to me? Please love me. Damn it. I’m worth it. I’m good enough.