What I really want to say is that sometimes I cannot be what you want me to be. I get tired. I get a virus. I get a UTI. I get overwhelmed. I rant. I rave. I can’t seem to circle back to myself. I have nothing left to say. There are no meditations that center me. My body starts to hurt. Sciatica. Piriformis.
I lead with this when I speak to someone about any topic. I say I got sick and it is taking me a while to get better. I’m like that. I have an autoimmune and my body takes a while to recover from a virus, from an injury, and my mind takes even longer.
In this stuck place, I can’t see what makes me tick.
A friend said what works for her is to sit for 25 minutes in silence and let it come to you. I sat for 20 minutes and nothing came. I moved from task to task, without joy, and I felt very alone. Unsupported. Uncertain.
Something came to me – simplicity. I need to simplify my life. I want to get it down to the bare essence and then I could build from there. But what gets thrown off and what stays? I’ll start with what I am grateful for: I’m grateful for this body I was given to live this life, I’m grateful for being a mother to my son, I’m grateful for the extraordinary friends I have in my life, I’m grateful that all of the hard times in my life got beaten into gold, I’m grateful for women who sing and men who are strong, and I’m grateful for this blog, this vehicle, that has allowed me to unburden over the years.
I’m going to do a laundry list of more than 25 things I want in life starting now: I want to be free, I want to be healthy, I want to be flexible, I want time to write, I want time to ride my bike, I want time to swim, I want time to walk, I want time to meditate, I want to go away in Wild Thing, I want my son to be free, I want my son to be happy, I want to fall in love, I want to hang out with my friends, I want to make dinner for someone I love, I want to read a good book, I want to go see art that inspires me, I want to practice speaking Spanish, I want to cuddle, I want to collage, I want to take a road trip, I want to go for a drive along the beach with no destination, I want the Hall to have more financial support, I want Booker Fest to sell out this year, I want One Mississippi to be a resounding success and start a radical revolution of love, I want to hear from my friends who live in other places, I want to heal my heart from old wounds, I want to believe in myself, I want to trust the process, I want to have faith, I want to have hope, I want to be kind to myself, I want to forgive myself, I want to embody love, I want to be okay with not knowing.
“Attention is the beginning of devotion,” said Mary Oliver
How I get unstuck is to be mindful of what I attend to – nursing myself back to wellness starts with gratitude and desire. And of course, asking for what we want:
Beautifully felt and written.
Thank you, honey – and thanks for leaving that sentiment here where I can cherish it for time to come.
I join you in all of these beautiful intentions for yourself. Highest and Greatest Good.
Thanks Michelle – I feel that.
Valuable intentions. It reminds me of the song lyric, “free your mind and the rest will follow”. I love your truth. All is well.
Sometimes easier said than done. Ha!
I love reading what you write ?? ?
Those question marks were supposed to be !!!
Thank you for your words, Rachel. Beautiful, enlightening, and needed.
Thanks JoAnn – I’m glad. Much love to you.
I think the questions marks work – since that is what I’m working through – everything, even what seems like an answer, is really a question. Love you siSTAR.