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Hemingway wrote about conflict:

Because of Jake’s impotence, Brett throws herself into meaningless affairs with other men. Even though she will not commit to Jake, she will not give up her relationship with him. However, she often brings other men around Jake and tells him of her affairs and before Jake can really say anything about it, she will say something like: “But, oh, Jake, please let’s never talk about it” (Hemingway 247).

Yesterday, someone said on the radio, it was a story about the perfect love, and who the hell wants to read about the perfect love?

I watched a documentary about Alice Walker last night after Tin went to bed – she said, “I’m not heterosexual, I’m not bisexual, I’m not a lesbian, I’m not straight, I’m just curious.” And yet in her biggest relationship, that with her daughter, she is estranged.

My sister is headed for an operation and she and I too are estranged.

My past loves are compartmentalized.

I expressed my desires to the universe – write my book, offer workshops, and start a spiritual group – I’m doing these things. My life is one step at a time falling into stones that are forming a path and I’m walking.

Why then do I keep having dreams of large houses, big houses that I am buying, last night this one was enormous with extra kitchens, and room to throw lavish parties, and antiques and closets just to store hats, and landscaped land all around.

The discontent of my current house is psychological, not geographical, not physical.

“You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another,” Jake said.
Jake says these words to Cohn in Chapter II when Cohn tries to convince him to travel to South America. Cohn feels dissatisfied with his life in Paris, and he believes that a change of location will fill the void he senses in his life. Jake knows that such reasoning is nonsense — Cohn’s unhappiness stems from his outdated values and his decadent lifestyle, which will not be any different anywhere else.

I fluttered my eyes open this morning surprised to see it was already daylight outside and I heard the chirping of Tin in his room. When he ran and jumped in bed with me his fingers and toes were icicles. The Spirit House is frozen – the thermostat stuck at 63 degrees – and yet our hearts are warm.

I watched the daylight and wondered how it was possible to not sleep one night and then sleep nine hours the next – the sleep of the dead – and I looked outside and knew the sunlight was beckoning me to get out of the bed and start the day. To warm up my son by dressing him warmly. To get lunch made and breakfast prepared and get to my desk to work on the next report that is due and to post my Black History Month challenge before the morning was done.

While watching the documentary last night, Howard Zinn said, “One should be proud of the fact that they got fired. That means they did something good.” Someone else quoted Emerson and said, “I feel most bad about myself when I’ve listened to other people instead of myself.”

In my longing for community, I forget about the solace of being alone and seeing the sun rise outside my bedroom window.

I left the house to go meet a friend, she said I’m at the intersection of Abundance and Paris. That’s where I found myself thinking about the abundance vibrations that should be emanating from my soul. I love money and money loves me and I know what to do with money – I buy ingredients to make delicious food, it pays for my wonderful house, I love to share it with people, and money helps me travel and I am now in full on attraction mode.

I had gone to the Botannica on Saturday and bought a candle for money. The guy said do you want it fast and I said fast, yes fast! And so he gave me a money fast candle and I walked out to my truck and when I went to open the door I found a crisp dollar bill on the ground.

I just shook my head – FAST yes, AND PLENTIFUL!

I didn’t go back in and buy a PLENTY OF MONEY candle – instead I just wrote PLENTY on this one!

Plagued by a bout of insomnia, I slept ten hours last night – good hard sleep, the kind where your dreams take you to imaginative places. Last night, I had bought a house and it had three kitchens, but that was only one part of the dream that meandered into many dreams. I woke, groggy from the drug we call REM, and made a cup of coffee with the French Truck decaf hand-delivered to my house yesterday – it was delicious.

I then put on my pants with the Buddha prayer on them and walked to the Zen Center for morning meditation. I passed a double shotgun house where a family was sitting on the porch animatedly speaking in Spanish. As I passed, I said, “Buenas,” and the older man said to the very young boy, “MIRA, MIRA, si tu ….Mira!” I could not hear what he said to him – “Look, look, if you … you will look like her.” I turned and said, “MIRA!” in a very direct way. He roared with laughter but I was not laughing.

Then I passed a man standing in his front yard who was looking at me intently as I came into his line of vision. I said hello, he said hello, he then said, “Beautiful” and I said, “It’s a beautiful day.” And he said, “I would make love to you.” I just rolled my eyes and thought: get in line, buddy.

The center was packed but I was able to squeeze in and it was just what I needed. In our dharma talk speaking about Buddhism after meditation, I learned the center has changed its plan to move Uptown to stay here in MidCity. Yay! Originally, when I found the center I could not believe my luck – here I was in crisis and in need of meditation and the center was walking distance from my house (the LaLa) and then I moved and it was still walking distance. Only still in the throes of my good fortune, I went to meditate one day and learned that they were planning to move the center Uptown and I felt betrayed. And then, I remember feeling like, well, of course they’re moving, good things don’t last forever.

A friend sent me a note this morning – the one I’m doing the Prosperity Affirmation with for thirty days – it was a quote by Abraham Hicks about how there is no injustice in the world, we attract what is in our vibration. Our own vibration. So what is it in me that:

1) dreams of a larger house with multiple kitchens, with the idea floating around that I could rent out some for extra income?
2) attracts a Hispanic man to use me as the brunt of his joke instead of admire my beautiful bold baldness?
3) attracts a stranger I have no interest in to say he would make love to me?
4) has the good fortune of learning the zen center will stay instead of move away?
5) attracts this dearth of money rather than the abundance I’ve been affirming?

The vibe inside of me is a work in progress – I possess a naturally good vibe, loving and happy, optimistic, but I have to work around the shadows to let my light shine. I have to remember that what I’m receiving, I’m projecting – if I had to answer the law of attraction off the top of my head for any one of these numbered items, it would be that I: 1) am not satisfied with my house, 2) doubt bald is beautiful, 3) lose sight I’m the prize, 4) fear that good things don’t last, and 5) believe money causes suffering or makes me less real.

I’m fine-tuning my vibrations as I write – hope you are too. More will be revealed.

Translation of Chinese Buddhist Prayer: Good Fortune, Ample Salary, Longevity and Happy Life

On Wednesday, after a presentation at school on the perils of letting children have gadgets and media and then a coincidentally marketing meeting afterwards, I left thinking I’m going to stop by and see my old friend, Vanessa, who is playing down the street from my house. And so that is why at 9pm, when I’m usually crawling in bed, I stopped into DMACs and listened to Gal Holiday & The Honky Tonk Revue. There, I ran into one of my dancing partners and we were able to get in a few dances before the last set was over.

Thursday, I had two $5 tickets to a show that I was not quite sure was starring Esperanza Spalding and turned out to be THE show of the season with a warm-up of Helen Gillet playing her French songs on an upright bass and then the entrance of the most dynamic jazz band I have heard in a long while – the Christian Scott Quintet – FABULOUS – including his lovely wife, who came out and sang Summertime (something that is on the mind of all New Orleanians in the wake of so much cold) and then next up was the Spring Quartet with none other than Esperanza Spalding and this incredible drummer – whoa – Jack DeJohnette – who was fabulous.

So last night, I could have rested from all this activity, but instead I chose to go out with friends and we went club hopping – stopping first at Club Caribbean for a tribute to Bob Marley, next to Buffa’s for the Honey Pots, and then ending at Chickie Wah Wah for a little more Gal Holiday and some more dancing – I had two dance partners – both great.

And so my friends, I think when your mind is clouded by things that are outside of your control and you are looking for all the ways to be grateful sometimes going out and listening to music and moving your body helps ground you in the now and helps you remember why it is you are on this planet – to dance while the music is playing.

This morning while I was at Zumba and smiling ear to ear, I thought of all the reasons I’m a lucky gal.

You know how I’ve been talking about not letting the thoughts in your head define you – well, what about the screaming crazy woman? Yes, that crazy showed up yesterday after a phone conversation and she yelled at the top of her lungs – I WILL NOT GIVE UP – and she said it with such force and such determination that I whispered “whoa” – and so while we may want to let our thoughts all go by the wayside – what the screaming crazy woman says warrants our attention.

I’ve come to a clear conclusion after spending nearly 17 years building SOMEONE ELSE’s COMPANY – never work for anyone in your life – that is my last word on the subject – other people have no interest in making YOU money much less making YOU happy.

My friend in California said today that no one decides how much she will get paid, she decides. I like her philosophy and here on adopted it as my own.

I like what this guy says in this TED talk – small things matter – how you spend your life, what you do for work, and who you answer to is key to life’s success. So my dears, despite what anyone tells you – RUN, do not walk, towards your dreams and push away those on the sidelines that are not there to help you on your journey.

My friend posted her Wordless Wednesday filled with beautiful images of vegetables. She makes cooking seem so heartwarmingly wonderful that I envy her ease in living her dream. Her cookbook is soon to be landing at my front door and I cannot wait to try all of the naturally gluten free wonder in it.

But today is a day of a different sort – it’s a day to get creative – because I woke again at the wee hours of the morning – too wee for me – the 3AM variety – where I am trying to slay the beast that is hovering near by. I meditated. I drank my decaf. I read. I began work at 7AM – exhausted.

So in lieu of Wordless Wednesday – I offer up a gift of words to buffer the demons – as I unleash these words I imagine them to be vicious hounds to hunt down the beasts and tear them to pieces – dollar sign by dollar sign:

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With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.

— Wayne W. Dyer

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FAKE IT, UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

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I can remember a turning point with the voices in my head. It was around 2011, after reading The Power of Now, and having spent one of the worst summers of my life. It was right before my boss had called to say they were laying me off at the end of that year, but I had felt that career path coming to an end for a long time.

The summer had been spent in a constant state of agitation – the house needed, the bills needed, the animals needed, everything and everyone needed something from me and I was running very low on resources. The thought of ending it all was pervasive and I daydreamed about walking into the bayou with stones in my pockets. I would sit on my sofa in a half catatonic state and wonder how I would get through the day.

That’s when another voice entered my head – a kinder and gentler voice, which made me realize there was a constant voice in my head that had a very ugly slant on the world. The one that said when you looked in the mirror – you look horrible, you’re fat, you’re getting old, you’re wrinkled, you’re hair looks like hell, those clothes look ghastly on you. It was that voice that this new voice started responding to – “Stop it!” “That’s not nice.” “Shut up!”

And after a while this new voice started showing up more – it was my new friend – my avatar – who would yell and curse the other voice. Back and forth this Battle Royale played out in my thoughts. And sometimes I was so amused by this new voice, I would actually laugh out loud.

As I got to know the new voice, I got to really know the old voice and was sort of shocked by how long that old nagging and negative voice had been haunting my thoughts. And I would let the two go at it for minutes or hours or even days on end. And after a while the nicer, kinder, gentler voice – the friend in my head – started gaining more strength.

But it wasn’t until I learned how to silence both of these voices that I found peace. I had a handful of events in my life where I had remembered utter joy and I was trying to find out how to replicate them. It wasn’t until I read The Power of Now that I realized those joyful moments had occurred because I had been utterly present.

The negative voice lives inside all of us – it isn’t because my childhood was any more unhappy than any other person, or that I have less self confidence or more problems than others. It is the negative voice that accumulates over time and gets rusty and creaky and really annoying for most of us. The friendly voice is more prominent in some people than others, but it isn’t necessarily the panacea to the negative one because honestly I was exhausted listening to the two of them, day in and day out.

True peace comes from banishing all of these voices and thoughts and just being. Pushing aside regrets from the past, not indulging fears of the future, but being totally present in this moment in your life. That is joy – nirvana – peace.

I’m inclined to say that spending your money or time trying to figure out why you have a negative voice(s) is worthless. Even if you invite in a friendly voice, you still won’t find peace. Don’t worry about where these thoughts come from or what they mean – they don’t mean anything – you are simply giving them a stage and an audience in your mind. They are thoughts – as worthless as the vapor they rode in on.

It is learning to silence all thought and learning to be present that has brought me the most joy and peace.