It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been a little over a month since N and I returned from Charleston and I was at dinner tonight and the Snake said it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been over a month and it seems like longer cause all these things have happened with you, but N has been pretty constant = he is home now and working on his marriage and having things both ways. <\/p>\n
I was telling S about the whole dinner conversation and she said it seems like everyone is concerned about me waiting around for N and that is why they say what they do to me about him, about everything else, and so take it that people care. <\/p>\n
I am not quite sure what all these caring people would have me do right now to satisfy whatever it is that is making them concerned \u00e2\u20ac\u201c would they like to me to start seeing someone else? Would they prefer that I curse N and say he is a waffler? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really quite unbelievable that everyone would have me be doing something other than what I am doing so they feel as if things are right with the universe or they feel that they can say I told you so. Because believe me a lot of them are waiting to say that \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s on the tip of their pointed tongues. <\/p>\n
As I see it I have always been a supporter that if the situation is better where he is then he should stay there. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve repeated this as a mantra to him from the beginning. Staying in his marriage is not fucking me over as much as everyone would like to have me believe it is \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I have no doubt that N loves me whatever choice he makes. Does his confusion make me love him less \u00e2\u20ac\u201c no, not in the least. Do I still hold out hope for him to be in my life other than as a friend, yes, naturally I do. But things are going to unfold as they are going to and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a big girl and will act accordingly. When I think back to what was originally going to be the plan, time seems to have collapsed into a small marble. <\/p>\n
What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s difficult is that everyone else seems to really believe they know what is going to happen with him, with us, with me. And I say to them you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know him so you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know squat. N says he is still confused and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve asked him point blank if he has an expiration date on that excuse and really he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. And we laughed, because he knows that my head isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t focused on expiration dates. But he is trying to do what is right by him and those he loves and for that he must be commended even if it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t necessarily cast him as a man of action \u00e2\u20ac\u201c one who knows what he wants and gets on it. He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to do or sometimes when he does, he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to do it. There it is. The Good Heart will help him find that clarity. <\/p>\n
For me, I feel like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going about my life and getting what needs to be done done. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sit around and think about N because I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to think about him \u00e2\u20ac\u201c he is present in my mind without having to conjure him. He still makes me laugh. He is still loving and supportive. I still adore him even though he hates that word. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not interested in what others see as his shortcomings because I have and they have enough shortcomings to keep us occupied for years to come without having to tear N\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apart on a daily basis. <\/p>\n
At the end of the day, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how I feel and what makes me happy and right now I am content to have him in my life and while the uncertainty of what he is going to do does loom \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it is not impossible to deal with \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it just is what it is. He is wont to tell me how he still doesn’t know if he is going to deliver the crushing blow to me. I’m a big girl dude is all I tell him. If it is all a set up for heartbreak I am not scared to face it because there are a few options and they all involve choices and in the end he will make his choice and my choice is that any involvement with me involve certainty, not hesitation. <\/p>\n
What I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen is that some of my friends have pegged N for someone who he is not and I think I know a N who is not the cad that some would like to label him. W told him he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always have to be the bad boy but there is a bad boy aspect of N that is his appeal \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t necessarily have to manifest itself in infidelity or the like \u00e2\u20ac\u201c but bad boy it is and that is a part of him that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to see go away. What these people don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to want to realize is the good boy \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the one that loves his children, loves his friends and family, and who wants to be loved in return. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Luv me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not all bad boy-itis. <\/p>\n
P told me last night after a Manhattan or two that C left and then went back under a sea of confusion and left again \u00e2\u20ac\u201c broke her heart she said \u00e2\u20ac\u201c but now after more than a decade together she is able to think of that time in abstract. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d rather no back and forth, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d rather a certainty of what is or is not, and if that requires time spent doing homework \u00e2\u20ac\u201c then so be it. Know thyself was my message to him a while ago. <\/p>\n
And when people like to predict the outcome of my life I think back to the wanting to get pregnant and everyone saying S will come around \u00e2\u20ac\u201c just do it \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and then the whole two years and ten miscarriages and friendly advice that I received \u00e2\u20ac\u201c oh this time it will happen was the one everyone pulled out of their back pocket most often \u00e2\u20ac\u201c no one knew what was going to happen \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and in the end no one knew anything at all least of all were they able to predict the future or know S or my mind in any of it. <\/p>\n
L called and we talked about the omniscience of people and how they all smugly think they have the answers. Like N said in response a month ago \u00e2\u20ac\u201c if she thinks she knows what I am going to do could she tell me because I would like to know. And L sent a text to K today even though they are having a moratorium right now that he misses her and then he asked me don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t I have a right to let her know?<\/p>\n
We all have a right to feel or behave the way we do. I am not going to hide from the fact that I am in love with N, nor should L hide from the fact that he misses K while she goes through her issues. In the words of Rodney King can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t we all just get along. Because I can tell you with certainty that N will do what is right for him in the end, and I will do what is best for me. And that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the best of all possible worlds. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been a little over a month since N and I returned from Charleston and I was at dinner tonight and the Snake said it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been over a month and it seems like longer cause all these things have happened with you, but N has been pretty constant = he is home now and working on his marriage and having things both ways. I was telling S about the whole dinner conversation and she said… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-141","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-main"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1kHSD-2h","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=141"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=141"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=141"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dangermond.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=141"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}