Beat Your Head Against the Wall
Lower 9 – utter devastation. Got out and walked around in it with Nanc in our cowboy boots, and both of us came away feeling lost and hopeless. We spoke about T and how they are having a rift and she said, he can’t know what we are going through here – if he knew he wouldn’t withhold his love. “We need our friends more than ever” K told S. Elizabeth’s was closed so we went to Bywater BBQ for lunch and had delicious lima beans and corn bread. But even lunch had the pall of the lower 9 hanging over us and all we have to continue to get through. She asked me about N and I said I’m trying to give him 2% – and she said “oh really” – and I said I’m cool with that – he’s in a rough place, and I don’t love him less for it but I am trying to love me more.
Home, gym, pick up Steve.
Dinner, cocktails, conversation all good. Why can’t you forgive him but you can forgive me? “I dunno. He’s the only man I had real man love for and I can’t get over what he did.” He was able to segment in miraculous ways – he loves you – misses you – he is not the only one to blame. “I want to offer you some insight into him, but I just fear that he will hurt you.” Will? Come on.
It all comes down to how did my life become so different in the last year? How did all of us go from that to this? If you connect the dots it all seems simple but like S said if the dots had connected he could have accepted it easier – oh, uh, so could I.
And yet, I go back to Sue, my Portuguese housekeeper – I can provide you no comfort – when she meant she couldn’t find the comforter I hung on the line under the deck – no one, not anybody, can provide us comfort – we must endure and hope enough time passes to make some of this make sense and put the rest in that category of things that just don’t make sense but they are what they are.
And in the end we are left with far more questions than answers. And that’s the uncertainty that Katrina has left us with – wasn’t she about teaching us how to live with uncertainty? Isn’t that the lesson?