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I went to sleep last night having pulled this card from my devotionals:

I read signs, tarot, and meaning into all forces around me and I convert these messages into suggestions and then I spin them into tales. My friend’s teenage daughter is grappling with the complexities of who she is and where she fits in – the answer, she doesn’t, won’t, can’t – because she needs to create her own world as all of us creatives have had to do.

I have made my world and it is a much better world than I ever saw outside.
Louise Nevelson
US (Russian-born) sculptor (1900 – 1988)

One day I will write about how writing has saved my life. It has guided me through the passages of love and loss, joy and sorrow, and most of all my own self-actualization.

This morning, I woke and the first thing I saw was the kimono on the wall that Sty gave me when we first started seeing each other. The beauty he delivered always had a caution light blinking in the background of my mind, the light got clearer and clearer and though the beauty of him remains, the reality of him is glaring. We create our world and we allow others to merge their world with ours, we become very choosy about who we let in and who we show the way out. Remember we are walking a path and going around our own spiral, there are those we leave behind as we move up to a higher consciousness – it’s sad and disconcerting but it should not impede our progress.

Go you must, forging your own way in the world.

And leave behind those who choose not to budge.

The saying April showers brings May flowers must have an equivalent in December excess brings January depress. I’m not trying to bring you down, but okay if you go there with me. We three women sat around the table wanting more that what we have – more money, more passion, more fun – and yet, what? As broke as we all were, we forged a beautiful meal and ate it together and still felt a lack.

As I threw a piece of challah, some salad, and other tidbits away from our meal, I thought about how there are people in the world who literally could have made a satisfying meal off of what was going into my garbage.

And yet, nothing seems more remote to me than the notion that somewhere someone is starving.

Speaking of lack, let’s talk about love. One wants a boyfriend, one wants her boyfriend to call more often, one wants to know why her boyfriend didn’t just stay a booty call instead of pushing into something more. Through the course of days, I’ve heard one wants her husband to give her more sex, one wants her husband to stay out of town so she can get more sex, one wants her husband to talk to her, one wants her husband to quit being jealous.

Want seems to be a universal affliction, but particularly so in January when it is overcast and cold.

It was like this, I met you in a lighting store, you with the golden eyes. I was not looking for no love affair, but then you took time to seduce me, certainly I was not looking for a man to get under my skin and then turn around and play me, like that.

#IDFWU – FACTS: YOU’RE A BIRDBRAIN.

“Certainly (Flipped It)” Erykah Badu

Uh, Flip with me,
Might be cool.

Who gave u permission to rearrange me
certainly not me
who told you that it was alright to love me
Certainly, certainly not me.

I was not looking for no love affair, baby
and now you wanna fix me
I was not looking for no love affair
and now you want to mold me
Was not looking for no love affair, baby
now you wanna kiss me
Was not looking for no love affair
and now you wanna control me
hold me

I know you’re trying to get creative with my love
and that’s alright, but
you tried to get a little tricky
turned my back
and then you slipped me a mickey.

Certainly, certainly, certainly not me (I wasn’t ready)
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me

Goodbye, but now it goes, (when I wake up)
I don’t need nobody tellin’ me the time, oooh uh uh oh

Who gave u permission to rearrange me
certainly not me
No way, no
Who told you that it was alright to love me
certainly, certainly not me

I was not looking for no love affair
and now you wanna fix me
I was not looking for no love affair
and now you want to mold me
Was not looking for no love affair
now you wanna kiss me
Was not looking for no love affair
and now you wanna control me
hold me

I know you’re trying to get creative with my love
and that’s real cute, boy,
you tried to get a little tricky
turned my back
and then you slipped me a mickey.

Certainly, certainly, certainly not me (ooh)
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me (ooh)
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me (ooh)
Certainly, certainly, certainly not me (ooh)

You know that that was mine,
When I wake up (when I wake up)
I don’t need nobody tellin’ me the time, no
The world is mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, uh, (when I wake up)
I don’t need no middle,
Rollin’ over,
Lookin’ after me.

No no,
No no,
No no,
No no,
No no,
No no,
No no no no no no no no no,
Oh no, oh no, oouuuhh,
I don’t need, I don’t need, no,
No no no no
No no no no no no no no no,oh
(And he slipped me a mickey) ooouuh
(And he slipped me a mickey) (You know I wasn’t ready)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (‘cause I admit baby)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (baby)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (oooh)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (oh no nono)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (yeah, and he slipped)
(And he slipped me a mickey) (and he slipped he slipped)

ooouuh, oh no, no no no no no no no no oh,
oouh oh no oh, heyiiih,
love affair, love affair, love love, it ain’t no love affair, ooh,
oohh ohh, ouuh oh,
aaauuh.

Living my truth, believing that patience, gut logic, and more will be revealed in its own time, I woke this morning awash with clarity. #ivegotthepower

Sunday, 2:45AM
S: I need you to trust me, baby.

Thursday, 10:30PM
REVELATION

Friday, 12:30AM
R: You missed your blessing. Too bad.

Here’s a song for you, music man:

And here’s a song for me:

You know that book BLINK that told us to trust the first reaction we have to events, people and places? Well, I try to use that practice in most everything I do these days, but I still find myself sometimes on the slow uptake. I try to overcome this bovine mentality by remembering that not everyone is bright, sharp, self-aware or enlightened all of the time, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

Tin is about to turn 6, he is entering the transition cycle, so he took his perfect afro:

And cut a hole in it in kindergarten:

He is going through that cycle again of disobedience and rebellion – everything is contested – every response is refusal. If I had hair, I’d pull it out. But alas, I don’t have hair.

Sty is about to turn 59:

He is cycling through the peaks and valleys of transition with his move to Florida. The transition could and should have been smooth but it created a low frequency of dissonance from the get go with us – all the adages we know, absence makes the heart grow fonder, out of sight is out of mind, love the one you’re with, what will be will be – which of these should we pluck out of the hat and pin to the wall?

Meanwhile, I have cut a steady path the last three years towards stability that I find myself digging deeper and deeper into the rut that I have dug, the rut that resembles sometimes a grave, sometimes a crevice to hold all my dreams, and sometimes a snug place to hide from all those things I cannot control.

In my thoughts, there are dark places where I start to believe that there are only a few things in our life that we ever have any control over and the first is our thoughts. The second is our center – a constantly shifting and accommodating compass within us. The third is our intuition, which is the wellspring of all desire and knowledge. And the fourth, because four is my lucky number, part of ourselves that we can control is our spirit.

We do not control our hearts, we do not have any control over our plans, we do not even control when we enter a cycle or when we exit one, we only know how to hold our center in it, how to use our intuition to navigate, how to stop our thoughts from going too far in any direction, and we know we must, to be happy, follow our spirit instead of our plans.

If we succeed in this, it is because we have let those things we cannot control free in the universe to dissipate or strengthen. It is only in that place that we can truly be free ourselves. Freedom from attachment. Enlightenment. What’s the sound of one foot tapping?

“I need you to trust me.”

* * * *

Dear Sty:

I trust you to be who you are and I am still learning who you are.

Love, me

I am known to admit that placed in a room with ten men in tuxedos I would go home with the waiter every time. That could be because I’m attracted to the dreamer, the magic bean buyer, the pray-er. My second husband was want to say that the most moving thing he ever witnessed in his life was a goat giving birth and he described the event as if it happened long ago in a gypsy fable.

So it is that despite all the knowing, I’m moved by this Sty who was playing the drums in church this morning and whelped up when Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah was being sung, as he was playing it, drumming on the cymbals with his finger tips and wiping tears simultaneously. Such a dreamer. A magic bean buyer.

Before experiencing the rock n roll church in Destin this morning for my first time (more on this later), we were walking in Bay Town in the chilled night air and happened upon a four-piece raggedy band in what looked like a makeshift manger. Heading up the band was an older woman, with a weathered face and hair too long and too white, singing:

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself, it’s only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and,
Have you any dreams you’d like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness,
Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering, what you had,
And what you lost and what you had and what you lost

You can change aspects of yourself – those dynamics that become knee jerk to such a degree you think they are too ingrained to wipe away – you can change these things about yourself, I tell you this from experience – it takes work, it takes practice, it takes desire. But, it can be done. Then there are aspects of yourself that you know do not have any rational value – who you are attracted to, who you attract, what you value, what you don’t.

I was watching Family Feud in the hotel room and the question was, “What would you say you did as a living to a woman to impress her?” #3 was CEO – I just shook my head – nothing would make me run away faster than CEO. Nowhere on the list did it say artist, musician, writer, poet, dreamer, hope-er, wisher, seer.

The qualities that carry me over the threshold into lala land.

Shel Silverstein wrote an Invitation:

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

I think the difference in me at this time in my life is that I know what moves me, but I also know now I can enjoy my life without trying to place another human being into a role that was actually devised by someone else for some other set of circumstances in some other time – a role that I never really cottoned to, to begin with, for myself or my partner, and so it is freeing to hold what is dear and yet not contort to conform to what I should be with this person and who this person should be to me.

“As is,” is how Sty says he comes to me. “You gotta take me as is, baby.” As is, it is.

I’m on a mission, as a ferryman and the stacking evidence against this operation – two clogged toilets due to rain, a property tax bill that has no available funds, the truck that needs not only three new tires, oil change ($750) but news of more to come (starting with brakes $400), minor illness, and being asked and asked and asked – is propelling me into this assignment with one part urgency and the other loss.

More will be revealed. Meanwhile, I need to call Tyrone …

Aren’t we all waiting to take that big leap into the abyss? Come on, the thought has crossed your mind. I feel that is what I’ve done. I let someone come into my life who I knew was just passing through and sometimes it feels overwhelming, sometimes it feels just right, sometimes it feels manic.

But mostly it feels refreshingly new. For me, at least. Here are two people attracted to each other who do not have to do anything but enjoy that simple fact – because it’s rare at a certain age – and because it’s precious.

I’ve walked down the aisle three times and each time, at the threshold, I felt a noose tighten around my neck. This has no noose. It has no tendrils. Its only prescription is to enjoy. It’s sort of like a day on the beach that is magical. It may not be the same kind of day tomorrow, but you can really dig your toes into the hot sand and listen to the crashing waves right now and suspend time.

The heart’s desire is ephemeral and loyal – those who make it in, don’t easily find their way out, but then why would they want to?

DAY 606 RACHEL DANGERMOND & TIN DANGERMOND

I came back from San Francisco three months before the 2005 Federal Flood. A couple of years later, I watched a documentary called “Trouble the Water” and in it, a fairly large Black man is wading through flood water up to his chin carrying an elderly woman up high over his head to safety. He said, “I always wondered why I was here. What God wanted from me. And now I know.” I can barely say that without crying. I had that same divine clarity the day I met my son. I was 50 years old and all of the life I had lived was held together with vague meaning until it crystalized in his eyes. I knew in an instant that I was born to be Tin’s mother.

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