I was speaking to Flower today and I told her flat out that I just don’t know anything. I’m not going to say I want this to happen or that if that happens it would be bad, or that having, losing, waiting, getting – that any of it even makes any sense to me anymore. I’m throwing myself on the mercy of the cosmos. I’ve been up and down like on a pogo stick all…
Seemingly unrelated events: My mom said to look for dogs as a sign that she is with me. We have been speaking to the birthmother about our concern for her postpartum and that she needs support to get through the early months after giving birth. Today the birthmother called that she had found two Beagle puppies on the side of the road, and she was excited because they will “give me something to hold while…
The day that I knew that Arlene would have to be put down, I did what I have always done since I was a child – I took care of business. I called the vet and scheduled it. I made a note in my calendar to give Arlene delicious catfood and spend quality time with her. And then when I thought I had all the details covered, I came back upstairs to work. In the…
I had to put on some Bob Marley and sing don’t worry, because every little thing is gonna to be all right. Life is full of things we can’t control but every day there is something to be thankful for and today I am thankful for it all. The nurse assistant at the hospital who is always kidding with mom overheard me talking to her about the adoption and said, “You’re kidding me! We all…
On returning from the high of our trip to South Carolina, I’m steeped back into the world of my mother. They are trying to get her off the restraints to move her to a nursing home where basically she will wait out the minutes, hours, days or weeks or months till she dies. Meanwhile, they are using Ativan as a medical restraint, so she is lethargic and confused. And I’m using half an Ativan to…
When I was at my mom’s bedside this afternoon, she kept patting the sheet down on her right side, and making a little indent in the bed with the back of her thin, bruised hand. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “Making room for the baby.” Everyone knows that W.C. Fields said, “Your parents fuck up the first half of your life, and your kids fuck up the second.” When people…
Back in July, when my mom called me at midnight because her heart was racing, I jumped in my truck and took her straight into the hospital. For the next eight hours we remained in a curtained off section in the emergency room while a drip tried to regulate her heartbeat. Around 6 AM when she was finally stabilized, I was slumped over in a metal chair, and she turned to look at me and…
We drove the long way home and made it in record time thanks to old Blue. I can’t explain to you what this trip meant to us, but I feel like a whole new world suddenly opened up in front of us and suddenly we’re getting closer to our dream. But here’s the deal – we went into this adoption with not a lot of expectations – we didn’t care what race, what gender, what…
I managed to speed through most of this trip as we were doing the James Brown turnaround version of a road trip – there and back in 72 hours. At one point, I was driving about 90 mph, which the truck does effortlessly, and I thought about roadtrips with my family. My father, who had an unnatural love of uniforms and all icons of authority such as diplomas, had a badge in his wallet and a…
The other day Scott was cutting my hair and I was telling him about someone who fell into an affair and he asked, “What did they trip on?” We both laughed but what I love about him is how hard he laughs even at his own jokes. Our baby might be born on the same day as him. Well we fell in love with fall and foilage on this trip – miles after miles of umber,…